I have grown to love having my journal nearby when reading a book, listening to music, hearing debates or educational material, when on trips, and really anywhere because my mind likes to wander. So much so I wish I could get frequent flyer miles for it, it wanders that much. But what I get more than that is a history of my brain, my personality, my life in that moment, and that is a great reward to look back on from time to time.

I was looking through my journal with my laptop in front of me ready to write a piece about the last concert I went to or the latest book I finished, or finally write about my trip to Iceland, but I just didn’t have it in my to go there today. Instead I found myself traveling back in time through this journal, and found an entry I thought I would like to share instead.

To set the scene for this entry, I was having a very bad night of anxiety brain and restless leg syndrome. Side note: Restless leg syndrome is common for those who have iron deficiency, so if you are having issues with your legs feeling restless or in pain, especially when you sit still for awhile or when you are trying to sleep, I would go get some bloodwork. Because of this, I decided to sleep in the guest room so as not to keep my fiancee awake. I also decided to take a small dose of an edible that also helps me get to sleep. I put my headphones on with some classical music to also relax my mind. Well all of this unlocked some deep thoughts I guess were rattling around in my mind that I needed to work through, because as I listened to Claire de Lune and No.14 Pas de Deux (highly recommend the playlist “A Dark Academia Playlist for Night Readers” on Spotify) and the edible took hold, my pen wandered with my mind, but at the end of the journey I enjoyed a beautiful night of rest. Below is my journal entry for the evening. Even if you don’t choose to read it, I hope most can identify with the glorious feeling of getting your thoughts down on paper no matter the setting, and the equal joy of reading them later. Happy journaling my friends!

Listening to No.14 Pas de Deux reminds me of Christmas morning with my dad and brother watching Fantasia on that old giant wooden framed TV by the front door of the living room. I had gotten Barbies I think I wanted. I have lied most of my life about my Barbie hatred to prove how cool of a tomboy I was haha. John [my brother] got this space station play-set thing. The Christmas tree was in front of the front door. We never used it. Always used the door to the kitchen in the carport. The couch was up against the back brick wall, me sitting in the middle of it. Where was dad? I don’t remember. John was on the floor by the square table that had been pushed aside to make room for presents. Whatever happened to that table? We were happy. Together and happy. We can always be again.

I like being in my own dim space at night. It’s my quiet time. I am wired this way because it was the time I didn’t have to worry about always being seen. But I am also scared of it because that is when I don’t see her coming. To yell, to scream, to hit, to hurt. But sitting here listening to music in the dim light, on a bed, cozy warm lap, I am in my happy place. It’s where I can be me unapologetically and I don’t see the looks. Then my mind blooms into the sunlight and shows me the most wonderful things. The most comfortable thoughts. Why was I lonely before? Was I scared to be able to relax and see the good because I was always in a state of fight or flight? I’m not lonely anymore. I can relax and enjoy the ride. I am Sarah freaking Goodwin! That’s it! That’s all I have to be! I will not be compared to another because I am the only one whose presence is here! I feel liberated!

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